Ep 31 // Sex and Love for Leaders with Intimacy Coach Erica M. Daniel

NOTE: Please excuse any errors in this transcript; it was created using an AI tool. Akua Nyame-Mensah 0:07 Welcome to the open door podcast. My name is Akua Nyame-Mensah. I also respond to Aqua and I'm a certified executive and leadership coach recognised facilitator and former sort of leader that loves supporting reluctant buyer fighting and overwhelmed leaders. I've worked with them to help them clarify where they should focus their time and energy each and every day so that they can love themselves, love their work, and ultimately love their life. If you're looking to learn leadership information and hear different perspectives, you are in the right place. My aim in this podcast is to help you see that one of the most productive and profitable things you can do is deeply understand yourself. Understand how you show up, understand how you thrive and allow yourself to align everything in your work in your life and in your business to support that, think of this podcast as your weekly opportunity to receive leadership support. And remember, there is no one right way to lead yourself or others. Thank you so much for taking the time to join me today. Let's get started. Hello, and welcome to this episode of the open door conversations podcast. I have been saving this episode for a few months now, because this is the perfect time to drop an episode all about getting to know yourself better on an intimate level. In today's podcast episode, I interview an intimacy coach who has led a multi passionate life. We talk about how to build and grow the different relationships in your life. We also talk about intimacy and what intimacy coaches do. We talk about intimacy in your personal life, your familiar life and in business relationships. Last but not least, we talk about the importance of learning when to pause, pivot and prioritise if you are ready to learn how to love yourself better. Stay tuned. Today I am joined by Erica to talk about sex, love travel and being a multi high finance. Erica, welcome to the show. Unknown Speaker 2:30 Thank you. I'm excited to be here. Akua Nyame-Mensah 2:33 Yes. And so for folks who are meeting you for the first time. Could you share a little bit about what you do? And who you are? Speaker 1 2:41 Yes, absolutely. So hey, everyone who is tuning in again, my name is Erica Daniel. I am an Ohio native who's been living in Ghana for the last eight years. I love to say that I am culturally ambiguous because I am such a nerd for the world. I love everything, the world has to offer lots of different cultures, vibrancy, food. And so I also just love how I can be inspired by everything the world gives. So in general, I like to bring all of my passions to the forefront and create unique things and offer them out to the world. So lately, what I've been doing is helping people dive a little bit deeper into their more intimate lives, but definitely not foreshadowing what it means to just be in relationship with people and all that we Akua Nyame-Mensah 3:32 do. I love that. I love it. And before we actually jump into what you're focusing on right now, can you maybe tell us a little bit more about some of the different things that you've done that has led you to become more interested in exploring relationships and supporting others with their relationships? Speaker 1 3:48 Oh, yeah. So oh, gosh, this dates back to when I was a kid. So ever since I was a little girl, I was a pure sex educator. And I was raised in a household where my parents didn't hold back from us on talking about what relationships were and how they looked. And I remember just thinking like, okay, my parents are married. And, you know, we have this really unique family dynamic. Everybody in the world should have that. And so idealistic little six year old Erica was like love for all love for all. Even though I had no idea what that really meant, it really entailed. I just knew that I wanted to be more connected to relationships, how we do relationships, and how we build and grow families. And so I essentially went into a career in public health, wanting to focus on maternal mortality or maternal and child health. And that stemmed from me actually first wanting to be a doctor and work for Doctors Without Borders and realising that public health was a better choice for me than the medical field. And so yeah, I've just always had this desire to be part of the family fabric and with time came to realise that I was inadvertently always giving advice to people on relationships. And even I was doing what my heart desired and walking in my passion just started to see and unfold layers of oh, this is really relationship coaching. And so later on or more recently have decided to go ahead and become certified and being an intimacy coach. Akua Nyame-Mensah 5:25 I love it. I absolutely love it. And I think so much of what you've shared really resonates with me and a lot of the leaders that I work with, because I think so many of the founders and entrepreneurs I work with, have had their hands in so many different things, and have tried so many different things to really get to where they are right now. So what is an intimacy coach? Can you tell us a little bit more about what what is involved in intimacy? And maybe what is your definition of being an intimacy coach? Speaker 1 5:53 Yeah, so first of all, define intimacy. And I think the easiest way to think about intimacy is to literally just break the word down and say in to me see, right, so intimacy really is like the intro work, it really is allowing a person to see who you are, not just externally to the world. But internally, all the good happening, all the bad happening, and others may say, oh, that's just you'd be invulnerable. Yeah, but even in our vulnerability, we're not always intimate. And so an intimacy coach, or a sex and relationship coach, is really someone who helps you deepen your physical and emotional intimacy with a partner, Akua Nyame-Mensah 6:35 mother. Yeah. And as I mentioned before, a lot of my clients tend to be, you know, very busy have so much to do, you know, an incredibly ambitious. And I actually would say, I've received this question several times this idea of trying to figure out what first relationship versus business. And so I'm curious, from your perspective, what are some things that, you know, young professionals, and whoever's listening to this can define it, and whatever way young professionals looks like for them, but what are some things that people should maybe keep in mind when they're trying to develop an intimate relationship? Speaker 1 7:10 Oh, that's a good question. You know, in my head, when you were speaking, I actually thought you're going to take this a little bit different direction and say, like, what should come first, the relationship or the job? Akua Nyame-Mensah 7:20 I would love your perspective on that. And what you've seen with clients, yes, let's do that first. And then we'll say what keeps in mind? Yeah. Speaker 1 7:27 So I like working with everyone. To be fair, like if you are having issues, and you want to grow in intimacy, like, I love it, because that alone is a very mature decision. But I specifically really like working with men, married men, and then also single, professional women. And so when it comes to that question of what should come first, the relationship or the job, honestly, it's a self decision, you have to decide for yourself, and you have to stand in that decision. And know that you made the best decision that you could make for yourself at that time. And the reason I say that is because like you are the only person who knows what you need at any moment in time. And so you have to honour that. And no matter if you're in a relationship, or no matter if you take your dream job, there are sacrifices that are going to have to be made on both ends of the spectrum. And what I always tell people is, as much as possible, try to live with no regrets. So if that dream job does come take it, it's what you've worked for. It's what you've learned is what you want it if that dream partner comes along, and this isn't a relationship, you know, you don't want to do life without, take it, do what's necessary, build that partnership, and then know that everything else will flow as opposed to as in when it should Akua Nyame-Mensah 8:45 have love that. I really love it. So it's really about trusting your gut. And yeah, looking within, rather than trying to use external sources to really validate your decision making. Speaker 1 8:57 Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I don't think we have the freedom to trust our gut, as much as we should. I think we get so stuck in our heads, and we get so stuck in the minutiae that other people like spew at us that we start, we stopped trusting everything our body tells us. Akua Nyame-Mensah 9:13 Yeah, and I think alongside with, you know, trusting your gut, what comes up for you, when we're thinking about it from the perspective of you know, productivity and trying to show up and trying to be efficient and effective. What thoughts do you have for leaders maybe that are even burnt out and are like, I have this work I have to do, but there's also this important relationship in my life. Speaker 1 9:36 Yeah, who now when you're burned out, everything seems to be failing at that point. But the truth is, your body isn't failing you your body is sending you that signal, because it's saying, hey, we need a pause. We need a break. We need to take care of ourselves. And I think the best advice I would give anyone who feels they're in that state or the early stages of burnout is listen to your body. Take that pause, take that breath. They take the leave, go on vacation, unplug from social media, whatever it looks like, it may feel extreme. And at that time, it's gonna have to be extreme because your body is saying, Come back to me, come back and recalibrate to me. And when it's even you looking at a relationship you have, and you feel like, oh my gosh, you know, like, I'm putting so much into my work. I'm this leader, I'm the CEO, I've grown this, you know, beautiful company, but it's taking so much away from my relationships. That's when you have to say, Okay, enough is enough, you have to pause and you have to prioritise. And I know that that's like words we don't like to hear, we don't like to hear those peas. We don't like to hear pause. We don't like to hear, prioritise. And we don't like to hear pivot. But there's three super important words that really allow our lives to like, move forward, and of course, correct way that allows us to stay in tune to who we are, and get us back on our real purpose. So see, when your body is sending you those signals of like, hey, you need to rest that's a pause moment pause, or, Hey, your spouse just looked at you and you can see sadness in their eyes, because you can't make it to an event they want to go. That's a pivot moment. Pivot. All right, you know, at that meeting I had scheduled I'm not going to do it, because I'm going to prioritise this relationship. So yeah, those are some some things I would say for those who are close to burnout and trying to juggle relationships and, you know, growing your businesses and being the real leaders that you're you're here to be. Akua Nyame-Mensah 11:29 I love that. Yes. I also love this idea of using those peas. Can you talk us through each one of those peas again, we know when maybe give us a bit of a situation on how people can use them. Speaker 1 11:39 Yeah. So pause, pivot. Did I say pause? Pivot? Prioritise? Yes, okay. Sorry, they like change, depending on a conversation. So pause, pause is definitely that moment of just like reflection, right. And I tell people that you know, when you need a pause, because your body's screaming for rest, it's screaming for a break. For you, that may be that moment of, oh, gosh, I could just really use a massage or Oh, my goodness, when was the last time I sat and had lunch, or, you know, I haven't taken my kids to school all week, pause. And when you get those moments, don't let them just sail over your head, like sink into them. Because your body is sending you signals that there's an imbalance. So that's your pause. Your pivot moment is almost kind of after a pause. And it's a moment of action, right? So like, are you going to go down path A or path B, you are able to quickly assess, which is where each path will take you. And so you get to pivot, you can go down path A which you know, is just going to be working harder, getting it done, and maybe sacrificing on some of the things need it to build your relationship and grow in intimacy with a partner. Or you can pivot and say, Hey, right now in this moment, I recognise that I have a need. My partner has a need, my children have a need. And you know what, I'm going to choose the pivot on this task and go down this direction, and prioritise. That's where the other P comes in. So you can see they're all linked. And you're you have to start changing where What are you prioritising? How are you prioritising? Where are you prioritising it. Now, what I'm not saying is you just give up everything and you say, Okay, I'm only prioritising my family, this dream organisation that I've built up, you know what, like, it's come too much stress. It's become too taxing on my life and my family. If you say those words to yourself, you definitely need to pause, pivot and prioritise because your dreams should not take you out of sync with your life. Your dream should bring you into power in your life. And so the prioritisation aspect is just your reevaluating, like what matters most right? And so do you need to be in every single meeting that's happening with your business? Or have you been able to hire people to take on certain tasks? If you haven't done that? Maybe that's the conversation you need to have. Alright, you know what? I want to prioritise fundraising for my business. So I need an administrative assistant to come at me. And that's my calendar, so that I can spend more time on the fundraising aspect. And then my evenings can actually be spent with my partner. And so do you know, it's going to look different for everyone? I'm not prescribing any solutions. I'm just saying lean into that pause that pivot and that aspect of prioritisation. Akua Nyame-Mensah 14:27 Absolutely love it. And thank you so much for taking us through that. I feel like that's incredibly like actionable. And as you were speaking, I can already think about some of my clients and some people who have reached out to me who probably could really benefit just from that little bit of our conversation. So yay, oh, much. Yeah. for sharing that. And I think a lot of the work I also do is around building your self awareness. And to that point about pause. So many leaders feel like they can't even pause they can't even breathe. So they Don't even have necessarily the awareness of the fact that something is off or something is missing. Speaker 1 15:06 Yeah. Which is wild and which, which is where I would say, in my practice with intimacy coaching, one of the very first things you will do with me, if you become a client is we will do some breath work. And that's because we've gotten so used to being out of our bodies. And our body sends us these gentle, soft, beautiful signals for how we can recalibrate and know and sense and feel when something is working in our favour when something's not working in our favour, but there's so many distractions that are around us. And we've been taught to prioritise the wrong things, that we've left our bodies out of the equation. So when those signals calm, it's just like, Oh, I think I have indigestion. No. That's not indigestion. That's your body saying, like, slow down. Akua Nyame-Mensah 15:54 I love that right. And even just recognising that some of these things that might come up for us that might be somewhat health related might also be an indicator that something needs to change. Exactly. Exactly. All right. So I would love to hear from your perspective, what are some of the things maybe that you're seeing through the clients that you support? So you mentioned you specifically support professional women? And then married men? What are some of the things that are coming up that might be useful for leaders, you know, CEOs and founders to keep in mind? Speaker 1 16:23 Yeah, so I think why I love this cohort of individuals. And again, I just want to reiterate that I do service everyone, but I have a growing heart for the married man, particularly even Christian married men, and professional women. And one thing I see come up with these two, cadre is that, you know, they are leaders, right? Like they're dominating the world, they are making it work, they are changing things, they are thought leaders, they are at the top of their industries. But it's like when you are seen in this light by the world, by your organisation, by your sector, it's almost like there's no room for failure. Right. And so they put so much into their professional worlds and professionalise, they miss in lose out on intimacy, that does not mean that they're not in relationships with people, that does not mean that they're not married, how about married men, you know, they are married, they are in relationships with people. But the thing is, they don't know how to show the softer, truer inner sides of who they are. They don't know how to bring that out into their personal relationships, because they have to maintain a certain face a certain look a certain agenda, outside to the rest of the world, they don't feel that they can be seen as weak, they don't feel that they that anyone can handle their vulnerability. And oftentimes, it's really, really, really hate to say this, but oftentimes, they also feel like people are really only around them to find that element of weakness to find where they can like knock them down. Because you know, you can't be the strong leader, you can't be this strong voice, you can't be this business owner. So I'm going to find that weakness. And then I'm going to drill on it so that I break you down, which is really sad that we just can't elevate one another and know that there's enough for everyone and celebrate success. So what happens, they bottle it all up, they internalise all of it. And all they really want is to be loved. All they really want is to be seen, all they really want is to be understood. But they don't even know how to start the conversation with their partners, or their children or their colleagues, right. Because I also think we think of intimacy too narrowly. When you say intimacy, everyone's like, Oh, you gotta be in a relationship. And it's like, no, you're intimate with your closest friends, you are choose to believe it or not intimate with your colleagues. You know, if you are in an office setting, you spend most of your time with your colleagues, not your family, your intimate with your children, your intimate with your siblings, your parents, it's different layers of intimacy, but you have to be secure and who you are to show the world what you need, so that you can receive it back and return. And so intimacy goes beyond our most physical or emotional relationships and into every walking aspect of our life. Akua Nyame-Mensah 19:22 Oh my gosh, absolutely. Amazing. Thank you so so so much from shipper sharing that and have you seen any differences and how people are starting to approach relationships as you've started to become a coach and had the opportunity to work with more and more clients? Speaker 1 19:38 Yes. And it's really beautiful that just even like I said, that breath work, right? How I have a client who's having some medical issues, and it's not trusting her ability to make decisions as she wants work was because of this medical condition that she's dealing with. So there's a lot of like fear hear that? Oh, am I did I do that right? Oh, gosh, did I dropped the ball on this? Oh, no, you know, there's a lot of anxiety as well. And she's been working with a lot of medical professionals to kind of get this medical condition under wraps. And we just had some coaching on her creating boundaries, you know, what do boundaries look like? Who do you let into your sphere? Who do you create a protective boundary around yourself from what does that look like. And in us doing that work, we started with that breath work. And while she loved her boundary work as well, the biggest thing she walked away from from our coaching with was the breath work, because she realised when her medical issues would start to get to her and she wouldn't feel overwhelmed and anxious, she would go back to our erotic breath, and it would bring her back into her body. And once she was able to feel her body, she was able to trust her decision making, she was able to allow her body to let her know No, this is right. Or that is wrong, or you are in control. You are not, you know gaslighting yourself or you know, lack of another word. And so that's really beautiful to see her step back into her own authority with her work relationships, because she knows now just one minute of this breath, brings her back into like, Yes, I'm in the right mind. Yes, I am making the right decisions. No, my medical condition is not taking over who I am. So that's been really, really, really beautiful. And other clients. I mean, there's so many different stories to share. But maybe another thing I see just across the across all of them so far is recognising that we all have different attachment styles, and that those attachment styles also show up in how we work, it shows up in the type of leaders that we are. So you're gonna have some leaders that are like going to be alright, you know, Acquia, I want you to write a press release. And you're like, Okay, I got it. And I may be the type of leader who's like, okay, so this is what you do on the press release. And it gotta look like this and make sure you include this, and reach out to that person over there. That means I'll let it out and then an hour later, maybe back and be like, so did you need a statement from me? Where are you on that press release? And you could be like, Oh, my goodness, this person is so overbearing, oh my gosh, why can't they just let me write the press release, when in reality, what it is, is, their attachment style is one where they like to just like get it all out, immediately, they like to put it all on the table, they want to make sure there's nothing left, anywhere, whereas other people may have a different type of attachment style, where for them, it's just like, Okay, I told her to do it, I'm walking away from it. And then they're gonna come back and be like it's done. And you may not have had an opportunity to ask for questions or news outlets are what should go inside of it. Because they're just like, what I said, Do this, and you know, all of these things linked back to when we first start creating relationships and who was loving on us and who wasn't, and are also influenced by other relationships that we have during other, you know, I don't want to say Pivotal, but during other aspects of our lives where we're transitioning or growing. So high school relationships, college relationships, maybe even married in divorce, maybe you were in a brief, abusive relationship. So it's not even just how we ask for work. But it's also the tone of what's really asked for the tone of which a colleague speaks to you the way an email is written, right. And a lot of relationships also deals with repair, and a lot of work relationships deal with repair. So there are a lot of things that happen where you got to stop and be like, Okay, I'm in an elevated state, this person has triggered me. Now I need to get back into my body. And I need to see what's going on inside of me. What did they tap on? Okay, that's what they tapped on. Now, I can see that this person is also triggered by something. Let me show grace. Let me love on their small child, and let's get the work done. So you're dealing with attachment issues, you're dealing with trauma, or things that have come up even outside of the workplace. But once you start doing this coaching, you're able to more quickly recognise how you're showing up. And also how those around you are dealing with personal things that are brought into the work environment. And those leaders when they catch on to that wow, world of difference and their work environments. They seem more empathetic. They seem like colleagues feel like they're so much more attuned to, and that you become the person that everybody wants to work with. You become the person that investors throw money at, because now they feel they have a renewed sense of trust in who you are, simply because you showed up and then intimate state for them. Akua Nyame-Mensah 24:45 I love that. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. And I think you've done a really great job also highlighting how some of these things that we're not we might not pay much attention to as leaders, but maybe we should write we really should, you know, pay attention to what art triggers are what might be happening and really recognising that at the end of the day, even professional relationships are relationships, right? And so there's pieces that are so important for us really to recognise and to acknowledge. I think that's a huge one. Just even acknowledging that a professional relationship could be important, is massive. Speaker 1 25:18 Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You can't discredit your personal, sorry, your professional relationships, like they do matter. This is your livelihood. This is how you're going to grow something, this is how you're going to be seen out in the world, we need people in order to do that. Akua Nyame-Mensah 25:34 One of the things I always love sort of sharing is like, you can't build an empire by yourself. So whether you work within an organisation or you have your own business, like you mentioned, like you need people, so that is relationships. So take care of your relationships. Speaker 1 25:49 Absolutely, absolutely. All of them. And when you fail them, that's when the repair comes in, you know, be mature enough to go back and say, whoo, hey, I had a moment or Whoo, I didn't realise how that came across. own up to it caught up to it. Let people know that like, yeah, I can pick up on my mistakes. I can recognise when I did the wrong thing. And I'm sorry. You know, I really didn't mean to come across that way. I really don't, you know, hoping that this doesn't change our relationship. Please forgive me for that many outbursts I had or please forgive me for, you know, being dismissive of your idea. That wasn't my intent at all own up to your mistakes. Akua Nyame-Mensah 26:30 I feel like we can just continue talking forever. And forever. But you know, Erica, what is what are you looking forward to, to next? What is what is next for you and your business and all the different things that you've been involved in? Speaker 1 26:44 Yeah. So you know, I have so many different arms of my business. And one of them, like you said in introduction is around travel. And so I'm currently in the process of actually revamping what that looks like. So previously, we carry that travel experiences that were bespoke, they were totally just for you, the traveller, whatever your need was, and it's fun. I really enjoy curating these personalised itineraries. But now I have for the level foo foo, which is an organisation that brings people together to talk about taboo topics. And it's all about, you know, how do we recreate the social scene in Accra? How do we allow you the participant to be a part of the experience instead of just being spoken at or just having to receive knowledge and information from others. And now I have the intimacy coaching as well. And so I'm really in this space where I want to open up and I'm going to say this, it is going to be a funny and crazy thing to say, but I really want to be a social disrupter locally. And I don't think that disruption has to be a negative word, I think it can be so positive and beautiful. So I want to create spaces where people can come in and talk about how to live life differently in a positive way. You know, we don't have to be stagnant. We don't have to just do the black or white thing. You can live a blue life, you can live a yellow and green life, you know, you need to live and I just want to inspire people to to live to be their best selves, which I know is cliche, but it's truly how I feel. And to like, maximise this life that we have, because if COVID has taught me anything, it has taught me that our time on Earth is limited. And so we owe it to ourselves to tap into all that we have to give today. Not tomorrow. Akua Nyame-Mensah 28:39 Oh, I love it. Absolutely love it. So if people are interested in learning a little bit more about what you do, how can they find out more about you online? Speaker 1 28:48 Yes. So if you're just interested in connecting with me in general, please connect with me on Instagram. My handle is at Miss ms luminary, L U. M I N ar y that is probably the best place to connect with me right now. And if you're interested in reaching out for coaching, you can reach out there and there's a link that I will share with you later in Korea for people who are interested in seeing more about my bio and where I've done my certification training as well. Akua Nyame-Mensah 29:16 That sounds great. I will make sure all of that ends up in the description below. So this has been absolutely amazing. I know I've learned so much I'm sure all of you listening have learned so much as well. Thank you so much Erica for joining me today. Speaker 1 29:29 You are so welcome and thank you for inviting me and allowing me to just be here with you. It's been a really awesome Akua Nyame-Mensah 29:36 thank you so much for taking the time to listen to today's episode. If you enjoyed what you heard today. Please share it with your friends. We can continue this conversation on social media the links to my socials so that is LinkedIn, Instagram and Twitter. You can find them in the show notes. If you tagged me in a story and include the hashtag hashtag ask Akua I will share have a special little gift with you thank you so much once again for your time and I cannot wait to share my next episode with you stay safe and sane